The Rise of the Situationship

“If you’re under the age of 25, chances are you’ve already experienced a situationship. This may not be what you called it, but recently Gen Zers have found a way to define the undefinable. 

The “situationship” falls into the gray area of romantic relationships. You’re not necessarily exclusively dating the other person, but you are emotionally and physically intimate with them, without the concreteness of labels. However, the dreaded situationship is not to be confused with casual dating or a casual hookup. A situationship involves romantic dates, having sex, and spending time together. Casual dating typically does not have the emotional intimacy a situationship has, and a casual hookup does not have the longevity a situationship has. Essentially, Gen Z has popularized the concept of dating without commitment. 

For some, this is empowering. They are free to form a romantic relationship without being completely tied down to one person. For others, situationships have a far more stressful impact. Many have posted online videos about a situationship being composed of “one person with commitment issues,” and the other with “low self-esteem.” 

Safe to say, not everyone is a fan of the concept of a situationship. 

Situationships have not been around forever – in fact, the term was first used in 2017 by Carina Hsieh, a New York based writer and editor for Cosmopolitan. In her article, Hsieh describes a situationship as “a hookup with emotional benefits.” In her experience with a situationship, she stayed at her lover’s house four nights a week and met his friends and coworkers. An important factor to note is that Hsieh describes the fact that they never talked about labeling their relationship, despite the fact that she could not get it off her mind. This seems to follow the online trend that in a situationship, one person is always somewhat more attached. 

In an article written by Myisha Battle for Time Magazine, Battle describes how one can sometimes unknowingly find themselves stuck in a situationship. She explains that daters find themselves not wanting to have the dreaded “what are we” conversation due to the fear of the partner not feeling the same way. When one doesn’t label the relationship, both sides are getting their temporary emotional and sexual needs met, despite the fact that one side may be facing an internal battle. 

Krysti Wilkinson, a contributor to HuffPost, offers an insightful view into where she believes Gen Z is at with dating. She writes, “We want the facade of a relationship, but we don’t want the work of a relationship. We want the hand holding without eye contact, the teasing without serious conversations. We want the pretty promise without the actual commitment, the anniversaries to celebrate without the 365 days of work that lead up to them…we want someone to hold our hand, but we don't want to put the power to hurt us in their hands.” 

Is this what a situationship is? A longing to no longer be hurt by those we fall in love with? Is the situationship Gen Z’s way of protecting ourselves? 

With that being said, it may be possible that Gen Z may be hurting themselves more by continuing to engage in situationships. If a situationship is intended to squash the emotional investment that comes with an official relationship, then Gen Z is not doing a good job of withdrawing emotional investment. This is not a diss on Gen Z’s dating habits, but simply a matter of the fact that people still feel the emotional sting that comes with being in a situationship. 

Of course, this is the only natural reaction. You go on dates with a person, you sleep with them, you introduce them to your friends…of course you end up emotionally attached. But, why is it that so often one person is more attached than the other? Why does the situationship not progress to a real, official relationship? 

Here’s why: Situationships were created by those who are naturally emotional avoidant. Whether it be due to childhood trauma, or just a difference in brain wiring, there are those who are more inclined to thrive in a situationship. Some people simply lack the desire, or are simply unable to be emotionally vulnerable with another person – which is why the situationship works so well for them. 

There are no expectations in a situationship. You do not have to open up in the same way you do in an official relationship. With a situationship, there’s always an easy out with minimal guilt. 

“We aren’t dating, I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

Victoria Scala, social media manager and intake coordinator at Anchor Therapy in New Jersey,  further explains about the dark sides behind a situationship. Scala explains that,” For the individual who gets attached in a situationship, it is possible that they may struggle with low self-esteem and self-confidence due to a lack of emotional connection. A person in this position may be hyper-critical of themselves, finding personal faults due to another person’s lack of interest and inconsistency.”

The issue with situationships is that they never seem to be just temporary and pain-free. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have so many social media posts coaching people on how to either cope or get over a situationship. It’s not the stage that comes before officially becoming a couple. It’s an endless limbo that many young people find themselves trapped in, hoping that the other person will one day finally choose them. 

So, what’s the solution?

It’s hard to say. Unrequited love has always been a common human experience, and Gen Z is simply experiencing their version of it. Being that situationships are more commonplace in the younger generations (you don’t hear Boomers complaining about their “situationship”, most are already in established relationships), it’s entirely possible that this is simply a phase of life for Gen Zers. We’re not doomed to struggle with situationships forever. It’s simply what’s working for us at the moment. 

Rough patches are an unfortunate part of life. But, as we grow and continue to learn, we’ll eventually begin to understand that commitment doesn’t have to be undesirable. We’ll find comfort in the stability a long-term relationship provides. We’ll move onto better things than a non-committal situationship. 

But for now, the situationship is in the spotlight. Let’s let it have its moment.